Day 4

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

Yes, many earlier experiences hint at my kink. Now to narrow it down and talk about one….

I would have to say that would be my first experience at sex in public. I was 17, mind you, so I of course had no thoughts of what would happen if we were caught and the police were called to write both of us a ticket or arrest us for public indecency or the fact that we were at my first job and that I could lose it. No, all I thought of was what if we were caught and he got in trouble.

We went to a movie, U-turn with Jennifer Lopez in it; it was literally the worst movie I had ever seen (thank goodness I worked at the theater and so the tickets had been free). There was one other couple in the room sitting very close to the front. I was instructed to pick a seat in one of the back rows over in the corner. As the movie started and it was clear the quality of it, my mind started going like it always does….Did I finish that paper I have to turn in tomorrow, did I put the clothes from the wash into the dryer before I left, have I studied enough for my exam on Monday, and so on….I am not sure if he knew me well enough to see the wheels turning in my head or if he was simply bored enough with the movie and wanted to be entertained.

I remember I was wearing a dress because he loved easy access no matter what environment we were going to. He was always touching me in some manner, whether it was just holding my hand, rubbing my shoulder, or me leaning into him, the connection was always there.

He let go of my hand and placed it on my leg, leaning over he whispered “take off your panties and hand them to me.” My eyes immediately grew larger and I started looking around, I then turned to find him staring at me sternly waiting to see if I would argue. I knew that look, so I slowly ran my fingers into the sides of my string bikini panties, lifted myself ever so slightly, and slid my panties down and off my legs, bending over and handing them to him. He smiled, nodded, and placed them into his pocket. My heart was beating wildly and I was sure everyone in the theater could hear it, my breathing had picked up and it was not unnoticed by him. “Unclasp my button and touch me,” he whispered, feeling his breath on my neck and ear. Reaching over I did as I was told and felt how hard he was, smiling knowing this was going to be a scary but fun night. “Now, start touching yourself, show me how much you want this,” he said.

As I let go of him, I slid my long fingers into my core and knew I was already there, wanting this. I slid my hand that was closest to his and drew it over to me and under my skirt, showing him how ready I was. Smiling, he just nodded and pulled me over to kneel on the floor in front of him. “Now, Suck” he instructed in the firmest whisper. Placing him in my mouth I did as I was told. Pulling him out of my mouth, licking up the length of him over that vein that makes him growl every time, and sucking him back in my mouth until he touched the back of my throat.

“Enough, now slowly and quietly get up here and sit in my lap facing the screen.” As quietly as I could I leisurely came to rest on his lap. Pulling my legs apart to straddle him he guided himself inside of me, sliding in easily due to the wetness he has caused, both of us groaning quietly. I couldn’t believe I had gone this far; I was excited, nervous, and so turned on that I knew I wouldn’t stop no matter what happened. I began to move in slow, small motions so as not to attract the attention of the other couple. He placed his hands on my hips guiding the direction and pace of my movements. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a light, “Be still and lean back like you are just snuggling with me,” he whispered in my ear while pulling my dress down over us in the front. As I complied with his demand, a flashlight was shown our way and the usher nodded and continued to walk the length of the theater and back again, completing his nightly rounds. I don’t know if he recognized me as a worker there or just simply saw two lovers sitting closely together but I was relieved he didn’t ask me to take my own seat.

Once he was gone and we heard the door close behind us, we continued with our true purpose. Grabbing the arm handles of the chair I began to move with resolve. He again placed a hand on my hip to guide and direct me, while moving the other hand under my skirt and down to where we were joined. Gathering the wetness that was between my legs he brought it up to my clit and began rubbing small circles over my sensitive flesh. I leaned my head back and moaned, “Quiet,” he demanded, “or I will stop”. I nodded and began to feel the pressure building, needing to release, to ease the ache that felt like it was taking over my body and mind. After several more minutes of our secret touching, sliding, moving, and rubbing, we both came as quietly as we could. I remember lying back on his chest, my head leaning over his shoulder, panting and trying to wrap my mind around what had just happened. Both of us smiling and looking at each other, I glided myself up from him, straightened my dress, sat back in my chair, grinning at what he had pushed me to do and knowing I would remember that night forever.

“Fear, anxiety, arousal, and pain; all are emotions and sensations. They are neither right, nor are they wrong; good nor bad. They are simply passions, a most important part of life. Feel them, fully experience them, surrender to them, and learn to accept them. As a submissive, you must let go.”

― Nikki Sex


Day 3

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

I never really thought much about being kinky in the beginning of my relationship/sexual experiences. It wasn’t until I hit a pivotal moment in my adulthood about a year ago, that I started to really examine my life. I have stopped living every moment for all the people that surround me and started doing things to take care of myself. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs states that before you can move on to the self-actualization of yourself, you must first take care of your other basic needs. I have finally started working my way up his pyramid and feeling better about myself every day.

So, back to how did I discover I was kinky? Well, when thinking back I loved the kinky side of my first boyfriend/sexual partner that ended up being a relationship that was on/off for almost 10 years. I couldn’t understand why I kept going back to him and now I have a pretty good idea is because he was the only one to ever make me feel submissive. I never thought about all the ways his dominance took hold of me until I started looking at fetishes and ways a D/s relationship worked. Then it was like a light bulb went off and I see all the clues were there.

The way I addressed him, not as Sir, but as Mr. (insert last name here) Lol, especially when I was mad at him.  I would never address him by his first name when I was mad.  That is how he knew I was in the right frame of mind as well, I was either completely spitting mad, or so turned on I couldn’t think straight when I addressed him as Mr. (last name here).  😉 The way he took complete control of our sexual experiences of when, where, and how. Pushing me when I was scared and unsure, talking me through moments of doubts. Being rough but never abusive during sex but also in the way he handled me in public. Remembering how all of my friends thought he was too controlling or that he had me under some sort of mind control makes me laugh but I can see why they felt that way now. I never felt that he was too controlling, I felt that he kept me centered. I am a perfectionist, controlling of everything to do with my family/school/work life (especially then with stresses of being best in class and getting into honor societies). He took all those stressors away from me when we were together. I see now he never interfered with anything concerning my education or home life (in the beginning, this later need to demand 24/7 before I was ready was one of our ultimate demises) but he controlled everything and I mean everything with my personal time. It was something that I never worried about, something I never had questions about, I just reveled in the simple pleasures of having that part of my life de-stressed.

“It’s hard for an educated woman to turn her head off. That’s part of the joy of being a submissive. None of the decisions are yours. When you can’t refuse anything and can’t even move, those voices in your head go silent. All you can do, and all you are permitted to do, is feel.”

–Cherise Sinclair

Day 2

Day 2: List your kinks.

I figure the best way here to keep it interesting is to go down the alphabet and say whether I am curious about or into and then give a brief explanation. So here goes…

  1. 24/7: I am definitely curious about but only with the right Dominate. This is something we would have to build towards and not just start from day one.
  2. Abduction Play: Curious about because I have never experienced it but certainly into to try! To see on a movie or read in a book about someone getting abducted, I always get worked up. I wonder what it would feel like to be “taken” and have no say or control in anything, at all…very HOT!
  3. Anal: Curious about once again because I have never experienced it but into to try. I am apprehensive about the pain but trusting that I’ll find a teacher to go slow and ease as much of the pain as possible.
  4. Ball Gags: Scared of simply because of a lot of my options are removed when I have no voice. I would have to say this is a soft limit to be worked on very slowly.
  5. Blindfold: Very into, I like the thought of not knowing what it coming and to be surprised.
  6. Bondage: Curious about but really into trying. I have seen a lot of pictures of kinbaku and I get very turned on thinking of me being tied this way. I see the artistry and time it takes to put a woman in that position and it is something to dream about. I am also interested in other bondage such a being tied to a bedpost or handcuffed.
  7. Clamps: Curious about because I have never tried but into being taught.
  8. Collars: Into, when I think of being collared for a relationship/owner status it brings a smile to my face. To know someone cares about you enough to claim you and also to know you are His, to obey His every command is a heart warming thought.
  9. Corsets: Into, I love to feel sexy in clothing and I always do in a tight corset!
  10. Crops: Curious about because I have never been spanked with anything other than a hand but very into trying.
  11. D/s relationship: Into, while this is a learning process it is one I am  enjoying tremendously with Him!
  12. Exhibitionism: Curious about. I am shy when it comes to showing my body to people other than my sexual partner. I would like to work up to this maybe start by only being allowed to be naked at home with Him 24/7 before we moved to more public settings. I am like any woman and have body image issues, so I think this is more of a mind over matter type fear for me.
  13. Facial hair: Very into scruff on him. I like it, it feels good and scratchy. I love to run my fingers and lightly scratch a mans scruff (not so much beard). Lol, seriously can you tell I like it? 😉
  14. Fire play: Curiouser and curiouser about, I have never played in a setting but would really like to watch and learn and maybe one day participate in.
  15. Hair pulling: Into, I love to have my hair played with, brushed, and even pulled on.
  16. Kneeling: Into, I just think of this as a given in any D/s situation.
  17. Lingerie: I love, love, love, to wear (and remove) lingerie. I love anything that makes me feel sexy to the man I am trying to please.
  18. Masochism: Curious about although afraid of as well, this would be another soft limit that would have to be worked towards. I really don’t know how much pain I would like yet.
  19. Massage: Into giving and receiving, I love hands rubbing on me in a sensual way and also making my Sir happy by taking away His aches and pains.
  20. Masturbation: Into, especially mutual masturbation scenes.
  21. Monogamy: Very into, I don’t share with others. I guess it is a contradiction that I also get turned on and scared of playing with another couple or having another man or woman with us, but also want to keep Him all to myself. I have issues with being cheated on and let down, plus there is always our friend, jealousy, that likes to rear her ugly head. I think this could maybe be a soft limit if it were on a play only basis, to work towards. I would have to feel so comfortable and secure in our primary D/s relationship before I would be secure enough to venture out and let others into our circle of trust, if that is something He so desired. I just could never be in an open relationship; I need to know He is mine just as much as I am His, to not have my heart broken.
  22. Online play: Very into, and enjoying greatly! 😉
  23. Oral sex: Into giving and receiving. I have lots of daydreams and night dreams about situations with oral sex. To me it is a great way to show someone how much you want them, to please them, to show you care about making them feel good.
  24. Orgasm control: Into, but not my favorite thing when it comes to masturbation. Lol, it is something that I do because it is expected of me and I comply with. But at the moments when I am turned on and cannot masturbate without his permission, frustration definitely ensues (which is probably his plan all along, right?) As far as orgasm control during the act of sex, I haven’t experienced this yet, so I have no idea how that is going to go but I assuming it will be a challenge.
  25. Protocol: I am into whatever He tells me to comply with when it comes to this. I feel it is my job as His submissive to obey and if I have an issue bring it up to Him when I have the forum to speak freely and openly.
  26. Public humiliation: Hard limit, I just don’t get turned on by someone putting me down and bringing out old demons that as a person I have managed to bury.
  27. Role-play: Into, I have all kinds of fantasies about Boss/secretary; Maid; Doctor/nurse; Teacher/student; Nurse/patient; and Stranger role-playing. I think it is fun and exciting to be someone else for a while and act in a manner I normally wouldn’t behave in.
  28. Sex in public: Into, I have had sex in public with very little people around or when I was far enough away that while I was quite no one would know. It was/is fabulous!
  29. Spanking: I am into but also curious about. I have only ever been spanked with a bare hand on my bottom so I am not sure how much I could handle when an instrument was being used. The use of toys will have to be worked up to.
  30. Speech restriction: Curious about, I would be interested to see if this is something I could do, be with Him all day and not be able to speak. Hmmm
  31. Vibrators: Into and own a small one for clit stimulation.
  32. Voyeurism: Into, I get really hot watching other people. A favorite daydream of mine is watching a couple doing a scene and Sir and I are both so turned on He starts to touch and play with me…..yeah definitely into!
  33. Wax play: Curious about, wanting to try and see. I have ordered some candles that turn into hot massage oil to start with to see if I can handle the temperature and still be turned on. Then if that works out I plan to move onto the actual wax candles.

Well, that is a little about my kinks and fears. I know that lists are constantly changing and evolving and I look forward to all that lies ahead in my future.

“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.”

E.E. Cummings

Day 1

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

I would classify myself as a submissive. The idea of letting go; to give the decision-making power over to a person you trust is very freeing. It is a part of my life that has been missing for far too long and I am excited to have it back.

The parts of BDSM that interest me are the D/s relationship, the giving of trust, love, & respect and receiving guidance, protection, & love in return. I am interested in trying many fetishes. I am learning and researching as best I can now.

The idea of a 24/7 relationship is something I think and daydream about with all the ways it could be wonderful with the right person. Mainly, I am just trying to find myself as a person, a submissive, and a lover of the kinky side.

“In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.”

Abraham Lincoln

A New Journey Into the Submissive World