I feel like a piece of me is lost, afloat in a river with no anchor. I need to write about my submissive nature to keep it close to my heart. I need to express myself to feel, even though I am alone, that I still can find that peace of mind that I so desperately crave. I decided the best way to accomplish this was to use a daily prompt to write about my feelings and thoughts about submissive natures, relationships, sex, and love. Hope you enjoy….
“True happiness comes from the joy of deeds well done, the zest of creating things new.”
-Antoine de Saint-Exupery
I am finding my prompts all over the web but this site is presently where I am residing. 🙂
Today is a monumental day in our house. It is the day I am introducing The Lord of the Rings trilogy to the 7 year old. My favorite story of all books in existence, and with my love of the written word, that is no small feat. From the moment I was introduced to J.R.R. Tolkien’s world, I was changed. I began to let my imagination run wild when reading these stories of Middle Earth and all the creatures that lived there both big and small, for good and for evil.
I am not certain exactly what is was about Tolkien’s written word that swept me away and I am confident I never will know. I am just delighted to have read them. Now, on this first day of Thanksgiving break, she has come to me and said, “Can we please watch this movie? I really want to see it with you.” I couldn’t say no to a request like that. I have already told her that if she likes the movies (of which I have all the extended versions which will take us about 10 hours to finish the story) we will read the Hobbit together so she can see things from Bilbo’s point of view.
One thing though has brought a small sadness while watching The Fellowship of the Ring, to hear the name “Precious”. These movies came out when I was in the thick of my first D/s relationship and that was the pet name that He always called me from the moment He knew how much this story meant to me. It isn’t exactly Him that I am missing or really even thinking about our past relationship, just the fact that I don’t have that special connection with anyone anymore. With a heavy sigh, I try to push down the despair and focus on showing the 7 year old the greatest story of all time. I am optimistic I will one day have that kind of extraordinary relationship again. To quote Tolkien’s best friend C.S. Lewis…
“We have nothing if not belief”
I walk in the house today with some really good news, which hasn’t been happening a lot around here so I am anxious to share it with the girls. Finally, after weeks of long interviews, negotiations, previous vacation plans, and so many phone conversations I lost count, I have gotten a huge promotion at work. I was approached a while ago for the position but felt my life was in too much turmoil to add the stress of an administrative job to it but then things went completely stagnate in my life and I figured, why not. I have no personal life to speak of so I might as well work more hours and make some extra money (which I can use for more beach vacations, so it’s a win, win).
Excited and ready to fill in the most important people of my life on the new development, I find my targets sitting on the couch. The 7 year old is playing Super Mario Bros. on the WiiU (jumping up and down as though her motions will help the poor little Mario on the screen throw his fireballs faster) and the 13 year old is listening to her IPod and texting vigorously.
They both look up and I let them know the change in my work life. The 7 year old, ever delicate with everyone’s feelings says, “That’s cool but I can’t beat this boss on here and I need you to do it.” The 13 year old smirks and informs me that she’ll be needing a raise in babysitting money if she has to be stuck with the 7 year old any longer than normal. Lol, so you know that expression “I’m kind of a big deal”? Well, as I sit down to figure the raise in money for the oldest daughter to pacify her to not lock up the 7 year old in a closet until I get home from work and take the controller being handed in my direction to beat this level, I think to myself maybe one day I’ll be a bigger deal than Mario and the worries of adolescent girls. One can always hope…
“Being a parent is like being a catcher. You’ve got to handle whatever is thrown your way.”
I have walked away from the birthday party unscathed, no sick kids, and my house somewhat back to its original form. As I tiptoed over comatose bodies scattered all over my living room and game room floors this morning I was conjuring up breakfast ideas to feed all the hungry hooligans that would soon be arising. I opted for the easiest choice and made my way to the donut store to load up on sugary treats (hey, they were all going to be heading out the door back to their parents soon). The energy that was pulsating out of my house when I returned was felt even as I pulled into the driveway. Music was blaring as 6,7,8,12, &13-year-old girls had awoken and commenced to throw a house party in the short 20 minutes while I was away.
After feeding all the giggling, bed haired, pajama wearing females another brilliant idea came to mind (I seemed to be full of them this morning) why not have them use all their new found sugary boost of energy to help clean the disaster area that has now become my house as well as my garage and back yard. After a short period later and four trash bags full of garbage, all was semi-back to normal. Most of the children’s parents had picked them up and only my girls and my niece were left.
I put the vacuum cleaner away, wiped the last of the counters, pressed start on the dishwasher, and loaded up the sheets into the washer. Looking around the kitchen I realized that I would be needing to feed my munchkins soon and since it is such a rainy, cold, grey day out what would be better than my daughters favorite homemade chicken and rice soup. I stepped away from the birthday girl for a little while to prepare lunch (she has become my shadow as of late). She tells me she is going to get all of her stuff together for manicures and pedicures for after lunch (doing nails and hair, well anything really girly is what makes her world go round).
About half an hour later I hear her calling my name saying “Momma, Momma! Look what I found in your drawer by your bed. It is a hand massager and it even has a remote!” Lol! Yep, mother of the year right here folks. My newly turned 7 year old is walking around the house with my vibrator wanting to use it as a hand massager when giving out her spa services. Just another day in the life…
“I was a wonderful parent, before I had children.”
I am currently without a D/s relationship or partner and while I am waiting to meet the right person I find that it is hard to conjure up situations to write about being a submissive. So, I figured I would write about some day to day activities going on in this crazy house to keep the writing flowing (which is one of my favorite past times) and to still interact with people.
This morning has been eventful and it is just now lunch time….I have an exam today and planning a birthday party for my youngest who will be turning 7 this Saturday. So in between learning about the GI and Musculoskeletal system so I can one day treat people without causing further injury, I have been loving and aiding along my idea of having a home carnival themed party this Saturday. The weather has been perfect, sunshine, 75 degrees, just the most wonderful fall weather for an outside birthday carnival.
Well, I wake up this morning to winds blowing like crazy and freezing temperatures with a forecast of rain and even colder temperatures on Saturday. Yay for having already sent out all the invitations and having the guest list confirmed so no changing the party to another venue.
I now need a Xanax and a glass of wine to calm the major panic attack I am having while still needing to take a test today which I have no interest in now since all of my guest will be infected with the flu or pneumonia after I subject them to the freezing temperatures and outside games at the birthday party. Time to cancel the big bouncy house and run to the home improvement store and buy all the heaters they have in stock in Louisiana. Now where did I put all of the cold and flu medicine in the house, I can give them out as party favors, right?
“We can’t plan life. All we can do is be available for it.”
I wish people could just be honest and not play so many mind games. I hate feeling like the person I knew and loved was someone who may not exist. I don’t understand all the secrets and email accounts only for me (and when we stop talking you delete them) or not checking the only way we ever talked or never letting me know your name. I completely understand in the beginning when we were strangers and the need to be aloof but I don’t understand why the secrecy had to continue.
I gave you the real me. The honest version of myself that cared for you. You decided it was all too much and I respected that, it hurt but I am getting through it. I see yesterday that you tried to log on to my email and deleted yours. I am an open book to you as I always have been. If you needed something from me just ask, I am still here.
Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.
Something related to BDSM that I want to talk about….hhhmmmm….
I’ve been thinking a lot about silence, both as a discipline and in life in general. Silence is hard for me as a person who has a mind that is constantly running a million miles a minute, silence is the enemy. To have this used as a discipline, punishment, or training is something that makes me uneasy. I need control in my life to help quite all the non-sense. Having someone there who is in tune with my needs and desires has helped and hopefully will help again in the future.
I have made leaps and bounds as far as learning to control my racing mind. Before all of this began months ago I used to be over-run with thoughts and emotions. Through meditation and yoga I have learned a lot about quieting my mind. While I am not to a place of complete peace I am happy with where I am.
The part that makes me nervous is being told I am not allowed to speak for hours at a time or being completely shut off from an important person. I know that if I am being told to do this I will try my best. I just hate feeling shut out and abandoned, maybe that has a lot to do with my fears. I start to doubt everything about myself, run scenarios over and over in my head, worry about problems that could arise in the future, how am I going to handle things in the future, etc.
I am out in the world trying to meet Him. I have been going in circles for the past month learning to not have someone to rely on and it has been both rewarding and sad. I have met some really nice people as of late but no one with “that connection” that makes me stop and invest time into him. Since learning that “vanilla” is not my flavor, the pool in which to find him in is smaller but I refuse to give up and I have faith that when the time is right he will be there….maybe when I am in Europe this summer….or maybe when I am up north this spring….one can always hope.
“The best cure for the body is a quite mind.”