Category Archives: Letting It All Out

Journal 4

I wish people could just be honest and not play so many mind games. I hate feeling like the person I knew and loved was someone who may not exist. I don’t understand all the secrets and email accounts only for me (and when we stop talking you delete them) or not checking the only way we ever talked or never letting me know your name. I completely understand in the beginning when we were strangers and the need to be aloof but I don’t understand why the secrecy had to continue.

I gave you the real me. The honest version of myself that cared for you. You decided it was all too much and I respected that, it hurt but I am getting through it. I see yesterday that you tried to log on to my email and deleted yours. I am an open book to you as I always have been. If you needed something from me just ask, I am still here.

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Journal 3

Today has been a day of pushing myself. I have lived in a bubble for the past week or so. I have been tucked away in a corner laying low, licking my wounds. I stepped out today and met someone. It was a different encounter than I am used to. I am not oblivious to good-looking men but I tend to stay away. In mu experience the better looking they are the more they are aware of it, I swear it almost makes them “lazy” in a sense and that is most definitely not what I am looking for. I was about to blow him off, it was on the tip of my tongue and then he said something that I had no response to. He asked me what did I have to lose, if he wasn’t able to keep my interest in the next 30 minutes over coffee then we could both walk away with only having lost 30 minutes of our lives. I had no counter offer, why couldn’t I spare 30 minutes? Sure I have a test on Wednesday and a ton of errands to take care of but seriously, 30 minutes, sure I could sit and enjoy looking at him for that long.

I sat there and looked for the first reason I should walk away, the first wrong thing he said for me to know it wouldn’t work, it never came. He was well-mannered, and seemed interested in what I had to say. I played with the straw in my lemon water (I never drink coffee after I brush my teeth, I know, weird but a quirk of mine) and worked up the courage to tell him what I knew would be the deal breaker for him. I asked him if he was interested in “different aspects” of sex? Of course, he needed more explanation and I had never had to explain myself to a complete stranger before so I just took a deep breath and told him I simply was not interested in any other relationship that didn’t involve a D/s relationship and that it wasn’t fair to waste anymore of his time since he obviously had no idea what I was talking about.

He surprised me, I must admit. As I stood to leave he grabbed my arm and told me to sit. I was shocked, it came so natural to him I turned with a surprised look on my face and did as he insisted. No, he didn’t have any experience but said he has watched me for weeks coming around this store and couldn’t walk away now. I had no idea, I never noticed him before. He asked me to meet him again next week and if I would consider going out to dinner with him. I told him I would be around and see after he researched what I was talking about, if he would even show up next week.

I sit here now and think of our encounter. When I think of him, I see someone else’s face. When I remember him talking to me, I remember it with an accent in his voice. It is not fair to him or myself to take this any further now. I will find a new store to visit, a new area of town to frequent for a while until I feel enough time has passed where I won’t run into him accidently. Such is my life right now. I have learned from this experience today. I learned that it is ok to talk about my needs to someone else. That I shouldn’t be so scared of what he is going to think of me. That was a huge lesson for me and one that I am proud to have discovered. I have walked around with a smile on my face for the first time in many, many days knowing that I am growing every day….

“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”

–Mahatma Gandhi

Journal 2

As I sit here on this dreary, rainy, grey day, I wonder how the weather can seem like such perfect symbolism for things going on around me. These past days have seemed so full of anxieties and hardships, from separations to funerals, it has most certainly been a week of dark colors.

As I have been told many times, I’m trying to look at saying good-bye not as an ending but the beginning of something new. While that is an easy concept to spout off it may not always be so easy to internalize. Permanent endings such as death and huge geographical distances are a gift in a way. I can travel through the grieving process without wondering, without questioning whether things will change or go back. There is no coming back from death, you have no choice but to accept it, pick up all the broken pieces, and move on with your life. Remember all the good times and know that your life was better for having known that special person who is no longer with us.

As I sit here and express my feelings on this computer screen listening to A Great Big World’s “Say Something” I know that sometimes the only healthy option in certain situations is to admit defeat. Say out loud to yourself and the world that it’s ok to not be successful at everything you try. I take away from this past week that I tried to be there in people’s lives. I always try to be present, open, honest, and let important people to me know they are important. I know that I give all of myself and that even though I am not the “right one”, that there is always something that keeps that other person from giving themselves to me, one day this will not always be the case.

I read that “ruin is a gift, ruin is the road to transformation”. With a heavy heart and yet another understanding of hardships in life, I look forward to transforming once again. I know that change is hard and I certainly am not its biggest fan but when given no other option, I will follow in its path.

“I am feeling so small, It was over my head, I know nothing at all, I’m just learning to love, just starting to crawl, I will swallow my pride, You’re the one that I love, and I’m saying goodbye, I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you, anywhere I would have followed you”

–A Great Big World

Journal 1

I have had a lot of time for reflection these past couple of days. Time well spent on what it is to be happy. I first started this journey months and months ago when I finally could deny it no longer that I had married the wrong man and decided to leave him. That in and of itself was a huge weight lifted not only off of my shoulders but also off of my soul. I felt like I could breathe for the first time in years. I didn’t even realize I was slowly suffocating until I was so deep in misery that there was only one way out. I didn’t want to hurt him, I didn’t want to cause anyone pain. I just wanted to walk away with as little damage as possible; I would have snuck away in the night completely unnoticed if it had been a viable option. The thing about having an epiphany is that the moment you realize what you want, you simply cannot wait another minute for that new realization to start.

Dealing with the hurt, anger, and general unpleasantness of divorce is something I am living with on a daily basis. While I would rather do anything in this world other than fight or argue I have to face the facts that I did this to myself. So I am reaping what I sowed with as much tolerance and empathy as I can manage.

One good thing has come out of all this negative energy. I have started to really explore who I am, what I want my life to be, whom I feel is worthy enough to be in it. I must say, self-realization, while scary is a wonderful thing. I have found my kinky side again. I have found the peace and calm that comes with being a submissive. The kind of joy that has been missing from my life for so long it is like an old friend has come back into my life with a shining light and wrapped a warm, soft, engulfing blanket around me on a cold dark night and it feels wonderful.

This past weekend I went to a cabin in the woods and let time stand still. I had no worries or obligations holding me down and I was able to really enjoy just living in the moment. I have an obsessive personality. I am a perfectionist. I have zero patience. All of these vices of mine are what have driven me to be successful in life but have also held me back. I am learning through self-guided meditation to slowly let these negative traits go. It is not something that is going to happen over night, I know. But the fact that I was able to actually enjoy 72 hours of no plans, no ex to bring about bad thoughts, no school to worry over, and no obligations to weigh heavy on my mind was simply amazing.

I have a D/s relationship to thank for that. I have learned that getting out of my own head and just “feeling” is exactly what I need. I am realizing how much I have needed to give control over to someone I can trust. For a woman who is always having to prove herself whether it be professionally to men who still believe I am not as smart simply because I am a woman, or to family who doubt I can raise two daughters on my own, or to myself who wonders if I have lost my mind, giving over control was not a concept I spent much time on. Now, I wonder how I made it through this life with all the stress and worry. Now, to give over control to Him is not something I even question. I know the instant relief and relaxation that comes with this decision. I look forward to the minute He asks something of me and I can make Him happy, the minute that every muscle in my body releases the tight control and the stress washes out of my body like water. I was not at the cabin with Him but I felt that He was there guiding me to relax, be happy, and let go.

 

“The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was, nor forward to what it might be, but living in the present and accepting it as it is now.”

–Anne Morrow Lindbergh