Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.
Something related to BDSM that I want to talk about….hhhmmmm….
I’ve been thinking a lot about silence, both as a discipline and in life in general. Silence is hard for me as a person who has a mind that is constantly running a million miles a minute, silence is the enemy. To have this used as a discipline, punishment, or training is something that makes me uneasy. I need control in my life to help quite all the non-sense. Having someone there who is in tune with my needs and desires has helped and hopefully will help again in the future.
I have made leaps and bounds as far as learning to control my racing mind. Before all of this began months ago I used to be over-run with thoughts and emotions. Through meditation and yoga I have learned a lot about quieting my mind. While I am not to a place of complete peace I am happy with where I am.
The part that makes me nervous is being told I am not allowed to speak for hours at a time or being completely shut off from an important person. I know that if I am being told to do this I will try my best. I just hate feeling shut out and abandoned, maybe that has a lot to do with my fears. I start to doubt everything about myself, run scenarios over and over in my head, worry about problems that could arise in the future, how am I going to handle things in the future, etc.
I am out in the world trying to meet Him. I have been going in circles for the past month learning to not have someone to rely on and it has been both rewarding and sad. I have met some really nice people as of late but no one with “that connection” that makes me stop and invest time into him. Since learning that “vanilla” is not my flavor, the pool in which to find him in is smaller but I refuse to give up and I have faith that when the time is right he will be there….maybe when I am in Europe this summer….or maybe when I am up north this spring….one can always hope.
“The best cure for the body is a quite mind.”
Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?
I am not sure if I had a title per se, I was once called Pet. It felt more like a term of endearment rather than a title but it meant just as much if not more to me. My body reacted instantly to that word and to find out even after time has passed it still does.
I think that titles have their place and need in BDSM. I enjoyed calling Him Sir, mein Herr, and Master. I didn’t get the feeling that many people were allowed to call Him by those titles and it was just another way I felt special and connected to him by our own secrets.
As far as Him calling me by Pet, I guess the best explanation was that it made me feel treasured. I was reading a book the other day and when one of the characters was referred to as “Pet” my heart started beating a little faster and memories came back to me in a rush. I am now starting to believe that words as much as music and smell is a powerful trigger for my memories now, especially since that is all I have left.
“It is a full time job being honest one moment at a time, remembering to love, to honor, to respect. It is a practice, a discipline, worthy of every moment.”
Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?
I start out wearing bra and panties (Usually black in color) with my long, brown hair tied back in a tight ponytail. I wait for instructions on what and when to remove my clothing.
The significance is simply I was told this is what He likes. He informed me early on that black was His favorite color and I try to please him in all ways. Buying and wearing black lingerie was a simple and pleasurable way to please Him. Likewise, for my hair to be pulled back in a ponytail, He told me this is His preference.
Things have since changed in my status but this is how I prepare always. It was my first experience and thus will always be my fall back because He taught me.
“I cannot be awake for nothing looks to me as it did before, or else I am awake for the first time, and all before has been a mean sleep.”
Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?
I believe they do. I am a sensual person. I like to feel, touch, be touched in my heart, my body, all the way down to my soul. I am like this in all things in my life. If something isn’t real and honest it doesn’t stay in my life long, whether that be a person, ideas, or other interests. I take this with me into the BDSM lifestyle. I need it on so much more than a physical level. I need it in my core. I crave the feeling of not just being dominated but in belonging to someone so completely that they need me just as much as I need them.
“A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we are meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.”
Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?
My opinion about online BDSM play is that it can be as real as the people involved want it to be. For me, it was very real. I wasn’t about to jump on a plane and turn anyone’s world upside down but I put forth real emotions and effort. For my situation I felt that online would be the best way for me to learn, participate, and understand a part of me that nobody seemed to get. I am realizing that being in a D/s realtionship is the way I need to live my life, the way my soul craves to spend the rest of my time on this realm, giving over control, being controlled by someone who wants the same things I do.
I am happy with myself and my life for the first time in a really long time. I finally know what I need and I am doing what I can to make sure I never live another moment denying my body what it craves. I want to be the reason He smiles and rushes to come home because I am there. I want to be whatever He needs and I want to give all that I can to make Him satisfied because that is what satisfies my needs.
Online is make believe for some people a way to escape their real life and the troubles that go along with it. For me it was a way to get my feet wet. I am alone again but that isn’t to say I am not grateful for the experience I shared. I feel more confident now. I know exactly what I want in my life and He helped me realize that, for that I can never think negatively about the experience. Being alone and lonely is just making me anticipate the next chapter even more. The day will come when I am supposed to give myself to someone again and that is very encouraging indeed.
“He ran his finger along my jawline and down my neck. The wait will be fun, but it’s not going to be easy…”
Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?
Until recently I would say not very open at all. I still do not go around and tell every person that I meet simply because it is private information. I have gained a new confidence about myself as of late. I know that in a private situation meeting with a man who I may be interested in that I will be able to see if he is open to my needs. I have had a fear that I wouldn’t have the courage to let him know or that I would just freeze up.
I will admit that my blood pressure did start to go up when I knew I had to say something. I got anxious and then I just drew on my inner sarcastic self and made it a reason I knew that guy would leave me alone and I wouldn’t have to talk with him. The fact that he didn’t seem to be disturbed by it was astonishing to me. If I didn’t know better I would say he was turned on by the little reveal of a secret part of myself. Even though it is the wrong timing and I am not available to be pursued right now, the vote of confidence it gave me was well worth the little panic attack I had right before starting that conversation with him.
I am really starting to like the person I am becoming. I have spent a long time being unhappy with life, relationships, just myself in general. To have such a bright future ahead is a wonderful thing. Who knows I may even be able to get the courage up to attend a local event one day…
“The real things haven’t changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong.”
–Laura Ingalls Wilder
Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?
The first thing I look for in a partner is our initial chemistry. I need to feel a connection to someone immediately. I also look for general interests we have in common, books, writing, traveling, friends, open-mindedness, the ability to carry on a decent conversation, etc. I believe being able to talk and express ourselves is important.
I want someone to want to want me. I am the type of person to give myself completely when I am committed to a person. I don’t like to play games, I just want to be real and need the same thing in return. I have tried many relationships that didn’t work out for one reason or another. I am not sure what it is about me that eventually everyone decides is not enough. I will continue to just be myself and hope that there is a man out there that will be interested in the real me.
“First best is falling in love. Second best is being in love. Least best is falling out of love. But any of it is better than never having been in love.”