I have had a lot of time for reflection these past couple of days. Time well spent on what it is to be happy. I first started this journey months and months ago when I finally could deny it no longer that I had married the wrong man and decided to leave him. That in and of itself was a huge weight lifted not only off of my shoulders but also off of my soul. I felt like I could breathe for the first time in years. I didn’t even realize I was slowly suffocating until I was so deep in misery that there was only one way out. I didn’t want to hurt him, I didn’t want to cause anyone pain. I just wanted to walk away with as little damage as possible; I would have snuck away in the night completely unnoticed if it had been a viable option. The thing about having an epiphany is that the moment you realize what you want, you simply cannot wait another minute for that new realization to start.
Dealing with the hurt, anger, and general unpleasantness of divorce is something I am living with on a daily basis. While I would rather do anything in this world other than fight or argue I have to face the facts that I did this to myself. So I am reaping what I sowed with as much tolerance and empathy as I can manage.
One good thing has come out of all this negative energy. I have started to really explore who I am, what I want my life to be, whom I feel is worthy enough to be in it. I must say, self-realization, while scary is a wonderful thing. I have found my kinky side again. I have found the peace and calm that comes with being a submissive. The kind of joy that has been missing from my life for so long it is like an old friend has come back into my life with a shining light and wrapped a warm, soft, engulfing blanket around me on a cold dark night and it feels wonderful.
This past weekend I went to a cabin in the woods and let time stand still. I had no worries or obligations holding me down and I was able to really enjoy just living in the moment. I have an obsessive personality. I am a perfectionist. I have zero patience. All of these vices of mine are what have driven me to be successful in life but have also held me back. I am learning through self-guided meditation to slowly let these negative traits go. It is not something that is going to happen over night, I know. But the fact that I was able to actually enjoy 72 hours of no plans, no ex to bring about bad thoughts, no school to worry over, and no obligations to weigh heavy on my mind was simply amazing.
I have a D/s relationship to thank for that. I have learned that getting out of my own head and just “feeling” is exactly what I need. I am realizing how much I have needed to give control over to someone I can trust. For a woman who is always having to prove herself whether it be professionally to men who still believe I am not as smart simply because I am a woman, or to family who doubt I can raise two daughters on my own, or to myself who wonders if I have lost my mind, giving over control was not a concept I spent much time on. Now, I wonder how I made it through this life with all the stress and worry. Now, to give over control to Him is not something I even question. I know the instant relief and relaxation that comes with this decision. I look forward to the minute He asks something of me and I can make Him happy, the minute that every muscle in my body releases the tight control and the stress washes out of my body like water. I was not at the cabin with Him but I felt that He was there guiding me to relax, be happy, and let go.
“The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was, nor forward to what it might be, but living in the present and accepting it as it is now.”
–Anne Morrow Lindbergh