Day 18

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves?  If so, what are they?

I guess I already answered this question in the previous days post. Note to self: read next post as well so not to overstep and have nothing to write the next day.

I try not to let too many situations get me worked up but some just find a way to rub me the wrong way. Stereotypes, especially misconstrued stereotypes, bother me.

“Animals are reliable, many full of love, true in their affections, predictable in their actions, grateful and loyal. Difficult standards for people to live up to.”

–Alfred A. Montapert

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Day 17

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

When I read this question I think back to a conversation I had with a few fellow nurses at work. We were talking about the 50 Shades of Grey movie coming out and if any of them were going to see it. I, of course, being the observer/scientist myself sat back and watched what I inevitably knew would take place in this conversation.

The first reaction from all of them was “Absolutely not”, “Of course I’m not going to see it”, “I have no intention of seeing a woman abused and beaten on a movie screen”, “That behavior goes against God and I have no intention of supporting the Devil”. I hate that. I can’t stand the closed mindedness of people who don’t even care enough to find out the truth about any situation, not just BDSM, and give their opinion like it is the word of God.

A quote from my favorite TV doctor, Hugh Laurie, “If you could reason with religious people, there would be no religious people.” I feel this way about most of the people I meet here. I understand people have faith, they have moral upbringings, but why on earth they use their religion to make other people feel bad about themselves is beyond me.

I do not like that when someone doesn’t understand BDSM and the different aspects of it they automatically assume the woman is being abused, tortured against her will, or that she is so simple minded that she lets the man do whatever he wants to her without being able to say no to him.

I like my life. I like the control I have over my house and in raising my children. I have a very demanding job where I take care of a lot of people and who depend on me to be strong and caring for them. I also like to be a different person when I am with Him. I am not someone who is under some sort of spell and I certainly am able to stop or say “No” to anything I don’t want to do.

So, I would say my main misconception of BDSM that pisses me off is the ignorance of other people. Not that ignorance pissing me off is specific to BDSM; ignorant people who refuse to educate themselves on any subject matter piss me off in general. I guess I take special offense to someone degrading what I find pleasurable, special, and vitally important to my happiness, to nothing more than a beaten down, abused woman who cant stand up for herself. Which if you knew me at all, would know that is the furthest thing from the truth.

“Give others freedom to be themselves. Appreciate the differences between their ways and yours.”

–Anonymous

Journal 1

I have had a lot of time for reflection these past couple of days. Time well spent on what it is to be happy. I first started this journey months and months ago when I finally could deny it no longer that I had married the wrong man and decided to leave him. That in and of itself was a huge weight lifted not only off of my shoulders but also off of my soul. I felt like I could breathe for the first time in years. I didn’t even realize I was slowly suffocating until I was so deep in misery that there was only one way out. I didn’t want to hurt him, I didn’t want to cause anyone pain. I just wanted to walk away with as little damage as possible; I would have snuck away in the night completely unnoticed if it had been a viable option. The thing about having an epiphany is that the moment you realize what you want, you simply cannot wait another minute for that new realization to start.

Dealing with the hurt, anger, and general unpleasantness of divorce is something I am living with on a daily basis. While I would rather do anything in this world other than fight or argue I have to face the facts that I did this to myself. So I am reaping what I sowed with as much tolerance and empathy as I can manage.

One good thing has come out of all this negative energy. I have started to really explore who I am, what I want my life to be, whom I feel is worthy enough to be in it. I must say, self-realization, while scary is a wonderful thing. I have found my kinky side again. I have found the peace and calm that comes with being a submissive. The kind of joy that has been missing from my life for so long it is like an old friend has come back into my life with a shining light and wrapped a warm, soft, engulfing blanket around me on a cold dark night and it feels wonderful.

This past weekend I went to a cabin in the woods and let time stand still. I had no worries or obligations holding me down and I was able to really enjoy just living in the moment. I have an obsessive personality. I am a perfectionist. I have zero patience. All of these vices of mine are what have driven me to be successful in life but have also held me back. I am learning through self-guided meditation to slowly let these negative traits go. It is not something that is going to happen over night, I know. But the fact that I was able to actually enjoy 72 hours of no plans, no ex to bring about bad thoughts, no school to worry over, and no obligations to weigh heavy on my mind was simply amazing.

I have a D/s relationship to thank for that. I have learned that getting out of my own head and just “feeling” is exactly what I need. I am realizing how much I have needed to give control over to someone I can trust. For a woman who is always having to prove herself whether it be professionally to men who still believe I am not as smart simply because I am a woman, or to family who doubt I can raise two daughters on my own, or to myself who wonders if I have lost my mind, giving over control was not a concept I spent much time on. Now, I wonder how I made it through this life with all the stress and worry. Now, to give over control to Him is not something I even question. I know the instant relief and relaxation that comes with this decision. I look forward to the minute He asks something of me and I can make Him happy, the minute that every muscle in my body releases the tight control and the stress washes out of my body like water. I was not at the cabin with Him but I felt that He was there guiding me to relax, be happy, and let go.

 

“The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was, nor forward to what it might be, but living in the present and accepting it as it is now.”

–Anne Morrow Lindbergh

 

 

Day 16

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

The most difficult aspect for me would be finding someone who can satisfy all of my needs. Simply going out and meeting a man who is both interesting and can captivate me is only half the battle. I also need to make sure he can satisfy my kinky side as well.

I have dated and even married men who aren’t kinky and I must say that it will not happen again. I will not invest any more of my time into a relationship that is not going to satisfy all of my needs in the end. In doing so it just cheats both of us and causes more problems than it solves.

So how to fix a conundrum such as this? Well, I guess I will have to definitely change where I meet men now. I live in a very religious and self-righteous part of the country so advertising my needs and cravings is not an option. Networking and learning the “right” places for meetings is certainly going to become my new best friend. 😉

Alas, just because a man is kinky and I do meet him does not solve all of the equation either. I will still need all the right pieces to fall into place before I will “jump in” so to speak.

I guess the other difficulty I have found with being kinky is that I have become quite selective and specific in my needs and wants. Maybe it is attributed to my getting older and not wanting to waste any more time on the wrong situations. Maybe it is finally knowing after 34 years what will make me feel complete and realizing I don’t have to settle for less than what I crave. Either way, it is going to take a very special person to turn my head and be invited into my heart, body, and soul….

“Be willing to share all of who you are. So many of us want a partner, but we’re not willing to show all of us.”

–Iyanla Vanzant

Day 15

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

I am curious about wax and fire play. They both excite me to even imagine participating in. I am cautious, of course, to simply jump on the playground without some advice and training. Criteria such as, I have no idea what I need to do to my skin beforehand, although I would imagine there is something I need to do to help with protection, and the like are items I know I need to learn more about.

I have always been a “fire-bug” growing up. I love fire, I am fascinated with watching it and playing with the embers. I get completely transfixed staring at flames and can barely imagine how I would feel with it on me in a scene.

Wax play elicits almost the exact same emotion and level of arousal for me. I love the intense feeling when it is first introduced to the skin and the after effects while it cools and hardens on the body. I have only played with it on my fingertips and hands but would love to experience being dripped on other areas of skin by the man I trust.

I don’t know if I will ever find someone to experience these activities with but one can always hope….

“It is not light that we need, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake.”

–Frederick Douglass

Day 14

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink?  If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

I think that the two can be very similar in aspects of control and discipline. The obvious difference would be proximity and touch. Fantasy or online BDSM is more mental activities like phone sex, photographs, honest communication, messaging, etc. For me online BDSM would require using your imagination and creativity more to make the relationship intriguing and lasting. (I mean who wants the same old peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch everyday, right?)

Whereas, “real life” BDSM could include every aspect of both the mental and the physical. Now does this mean that just because someone is within reach that it is more “real” than if the relationship is online? I don’t think so. I believe that you get what you put into the relationship. Just because someone is physically present doesn’t automatically mean you will get all of the mental components. Likewise with an online relationship doesn’t mean you will automatically get loyalty, trust, and honesty.

I think the basis for any relationship whether it is online or in real life, is dependent on the person you chose to interact with. If they are a shady person and untrustworthy then you will likely not have a long relationship with this person. Do I think that one is better than the other? I think this really depends on what you are looking for. If you are in need of a warm body then no matter the connection you have with someone, an online BDSM relationship will fail. If you are tired of the same old scene and people in it then maybe a real life BDSM isn’t in the cards and trying an online relationship might be what you need to figure out what you are looking for while still maintaining some of the important characteristics you need.

“Don’t worry about hurting me, if that’s what you’re afraid of. I want to get hurt. At least I’ll feel something for a change.”

–Katie Kacvinsky

Day 13

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you?  Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

The appeal for me is control, devotion, love, communication, and most of all trust. To be in a healthy kinky relationship you need to have a lot of open communication for everyone to know the rules. Rules and speaking of them in context with all fears and doubts they entail is necessary for all involved to be on the same level of understanding of each situation, whether it be 24/7, D/s, M/s, or only play interactions, communication is vital for all persons involved not to be hurt emotionally or physically.

I like the control that comes with a kinky relationship. I like to hand over my worries and concerns for a time and just do as I am told. I feel pleasure to serve Him and make Him happy. The control and releasing of control for me was definitely the first aspect of what drew me to this lifestyle. I like the break I can take from the rest of my life and just be in the moment serving Him and not be allowed to do anything but please Him and “feel”.

Devotion (or loyalty) and love should go with any relationship but I like the level that comes with a kinky union of two souls. To hand over your submission as a gift to a man you feel is strong enough to take you to the places you need to go (even if you aren’t aware you need to go there), is a valuable present. I believe it is a strong foundation to start from. I feel like it is giving over everything, my soul, my heart, my doubts, my fears, and my love; it is, after all, the giving of “me”, the most precious possession I have.

Lastly, trust is something I feel that had been missing from my life and was what drew me to this lifestyle along with the control. I wanted to trust someone. I wanted to know that I could be myself with Him and tell Him my fears and hopes and know that there was someone out there who accepts me for me. Trust can be the warm blanket on a cold night that wraps you entirely and lets you know that you are not in this alone. Trust can be the hole you feel within you filled by a man who wants your trust more than anything else. The problem with trust is that it’s a two way street and if someone is always the giver and never the receiver of trust, love, devotion, and communication, how long can it possibly last?

“Trust is not an obsession, it’s an extension of love. When we truly love someone, we give them our heart to hold in their hands. And when that love is returned, that very trust is balm to our souls.”

–Julie Lessman